"Scrutiny"

In addition to using this blog as a sort of journal and place to express my ideas, I would like to use it as a sort of catalog of thoughts and descriptions of my artwork. This is pretty cool because my art is such a relevant record of what I'm going through day to day. The visual, creative works and writing, together make a much more complete representation of my life than either one alone. I sure have a lot of back log but I do want to go back and explain each piece on the days in between when I've completed a new on. I'll put an approximate completion date for each one, so that the chronology of the work doesn't get too confusing.

"Scrutiny" oil on wood- 13" x 15" Welded steel frame. I did this painting in the winter of 2009. It taught me a powerful lesson that was extremely relevant to me, personally. In this period, I was being a terrible perfectionist and was not satisfied with very much of what I would come up with. I kept fighting with myself. I would think to myself conflicting ideas. on the one hand, I would have a sincere desire to be free and express my unique self. But then I would criticize anything that would come out while painting. I was on a binge of using yellow ochre at the time and was experimenting with some black lines. This face started to emerge and as usual, I was extremely critical of it. I felt like it wasn't right, wasn't good enough, etc. Suddenly, I realized just how cruel I was being. I began to see the face as some being that I was judging so harshly. I started to realize that this being, this face was myself, since it was my painting, my creation. I was being so critical of myself, my art! I decided to explore what it was that this painting wanted to be, not what I wanted to force it to be. I began to really feel compassion for this victim of my perfectionism. I too am tortured by my own self judgement and inability to accept myself for who I actually am. Once I started to see the painting in this new way, I began to admire it for it's self, for the way that it tended to be. It's way better when I can work with myself in that same way. I want so much. I want to be great and do great things, but when it gets out of hand this can keep me from seeing what things are unique and good about me. I am reminded about this wonderful lesson, every time I look at this painting.